Yeah I forgot to post yesterday. I fell asleep around 10, tonight it is almost 11 so my sleeping schedule is a bit sporadic ish. Also yesterday I had an amazing work out with Emma which is probably why I was so tired.
So how was today? As the title says a waste of a day and I feel a poem coming on whether it is good or not does not matter to me just that I want to write.
A waste of a day
It started out great
I couldn't find my wallet
and my day went down from a 10 to an 8
a doctors appointment
too long of a wait
but not enough to change my gait
I was still walking, not skipping with joy
but my day was not quite too horrible
till I came home.
the stress started to build
I wanted to hide
but instead I tried,
to smile and nod and do as my mom asked.
A friend left early
I was in another home, a slave
someone to fulfill a role once again.
I was asked to drive and drive and drive
Still I had found nowhere to hide,
I thought I had found a friend
to provide an escape
but turns out he might, have been
on a date.
It was for the better because you see
I was in no emotional state to deal with him and me,
An ex-boyfriend he will forever be.
I just needed a friend, someone to hold on to
I was overwhelmed, not sure how I felt.
Lost and lonely, unloved and alone.
I think that is on of my biggest fears.
By this time my day was from an 8 to a 4
I thought I couldn't handle much more.
From a text I felt betrayed
by a friend who I thought was close to
I was tired and ready for sleep
everything piling up making my day almost complete.
My stress levels are high
My good feelings are low.
Can I just start this day over?
I wish I could sound like Poe.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
March 18, 2014 A Day to Remember
Is this a day to remember? Not really. It sucked. It started out good, in fact I was happy looking forward to it exciting things happening. Going to get a lot accomplished. What actually happened? Not to be a downer but...
So I was planning on a lunch date with Cheryl and Amy, and a workout with Emma. Otherwise just cleaning a bit and trying to be nice and get laundry done so my mom does not have to worry about it when she is home. Otherwise have a relaxing day, read a little bit, do something that makes me happy.
What actually happened?
I worked my butt off cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the refrigerator. Now I am exhausted and what do I have to show for it? A thank you ish and a dirty kitchen again. My brothers are so irritating. So is Amy. Why can't they just pick their stuff up? Do their part to keep the house clean? Amy to keep the house and our room clean. Yes, jobs suck but guess what? The sooner you get them done the sooner the house is clean, Becca is less stressed and then everyone feels happier and people feel less yelled at. Does anyone else notice when they make little messes and then can just clean it up? Does it take that much time to pick up crumbs? To clean up a spill? My brothers are incompetent at doing jobs right even if they try to do it. Half the time I just have to do it over again.
Oh did I mention the mountain of laundry I did in addition to my own? I folded my parents laundry and mine. My brothers did their's but even that was fought about between my brothers. Doing things is always a fight with them, and stop being the parent and blah, blah, blah.
I did get to read for a little bit but I worried about what had to be done so I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to. Also Emma ended up having a crisis because Fritz is dying of cancer... I was really bummed out that I didn't just work out earlier in the day like I had planned, it would have been some great stress relief. I understand her need to do something else and we did end up getting our eyebrows waxed. I did enjoy it and it brought temporary happiness. Temporary being the word. I just got back home, the kitchen was a mess, dinner was everywhere and Amy had cooked noodles even though she hadn't needed to. She was just sitting on the couch refusing to eat what someone had so kindly brought over.
So good?
Eyebrows waxed
Had lunch with Cheryl
Accomplished cleaning/ laundry
got to go for a little drive with country music and the breeze
(hey pretty girl (cute version) and I don't dance by Lee Brice)
got some reading in
All in all yes there were good parts... but it was more stress and bad parts than good. It is just hard to see those good things with all the stress and frustration I feel right now. Anyways I should go to bed. Another post tomorrow if I am good and consistent. Hopefully this will have helped and I won't sit up thinking about everything. I need to work out tomorrow and make sure to do something for me. Ending of this post as I said.. today sucked.
So I was planning on a lunch date with Cheryl and Amy, and a workout with Emma. Otherwise just cleaning a bit and trying to be nice and get laundry done so my mom does not have to worry about it when she is home. Otherwise have a relaxing day, read a little bit, do something that makes me happy.
What actually happened?
I worked my butt off cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the refrigerator. Now I am exhausted and what do I have to show for it? A thank you ish and a dirty kitchen again. My brothers are so irritating. So is Amy. Why can't they just pick their stuff up? Do their part to keep the house clean? Amy to keep the house and our room clean. Yes, jobs suck but guess what? The sooner you get them done the sooner the house is clean, Becca is less stressed and then everyone feels happier and people feel less yelled at. Does anyone else notice when they make little messes and then can just clean it up? Does it take that much time to pick up crumbs? To clean up a spill? My brothers are incompetent at doing jobs right even if they try to do it. Half the time I just have to do it over again.
Oh did I mention the mountain of laundry I did in addition to my own? I folded my parents laundry and mine. My brothers did their's but even that was fought about between my brothers. Doing things is always a fight with them, and stop being the parent and blah, blah, blah.
I did get to read for a little bit but I worried about what had to be done so I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to. Also Emma ended up having a crisis because Fritz is dying of cancer... I was really bummed out that I didn't just work out earlier in the day like I had planned, it would have been some great stress relief. I understand her need to do something else and we did end up getting our eyebrows waxed. I did enjoy it and it brought temporary happiness. Temporary being the word. I just got back home, the kitchen was a mess, dinner was everywhere and Amy had cooked noodles even though she hadn't needed to. She was just sitting on the couch refusing to eat what someone had so kindly brought over.
So good?
Eyebrows waxed
Had lunch with Cheryl
Accomplished cleaning/ laundry
got to go for a little drive with country music and the breeze
(hey pretty girl (cute version) and I don't dance by Lee Brice)
got some reading in
All in all yes there were good parts... but it was more stress and bad parts than good. It is just hard to see those good things with all the stress and frustration I feel right now. Anyways I should go to bed. Another post tomorrow if I am good and consistent. Hopefully this will have helped and I won't sit up thinking about everything. I need to work out tomorrow and make sure to do something for me. Ending of this post as I said.. today sucked.
Monday, March 17, 2014
March 17, 2014, Day Zero
This is just an experiment. A start to make me motivated to actually write down my feelings and emotions. Maybe I will do it in a poem. Maybe I will just write it out plain and simple.
Today was a mix and a mess
Some parts light, some parts dark.
New things to remember, old habits to break.
Light was Emma, a work out, a good talk with my Dad.
Light was finally moving forward in a sense with my counseling.
Light was getting a lot accomplished, keeping the house clean.
Light was an answer to a prayer, feeling love, finding myself for a little while again.
Finally being the true me with the one person I thought I was being true to.
Dark was being stressed about the house and the time restraints I felt I had.
Dark was crying at counseling.
Dark was realizing I hadn't realized as much about myself as I thought I had.
Dark was remembering my Mom and my Andrew's set back.
Dark was feeling trapped even though I am not.
Feeling like I was still a failure, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like what I did was not enough.
Remember:
Others feelings/ reactions/actions are NOT your responsibility
Do at least one thing a day for YOU
Take things one day at a time
Be patient and kind to YOURSELF
You are a Daughter of God of infinite worth.
This IS your JOB for NOW.
Old Habits to Throw Away:
Doing something for your emotional well being is not selfish
If something is not wrong don't feel bad for it.
It's not usually your fault
Reevaluate not internalize
Things I have learned today. Everyday might vary but that is okay. As long as I get my feelings out. As long as I finish this for "work" I accomplished something good today. Today was still over all a good day?
Today was a mix and a mess
Some parts light, some parts dark.
New things to remember, old habits to break.
Light was Emma, a work out, a good talk with my Dad.
Light was finally moving forward in a sense with my counseling.
Light was getting a lot accomplished, keeping the house clean.
Light was an answer to a prayer, feeling love, finding myself for a little while again.
Finally being the true me with the one person I thought I was being true to.
Dark was being stressed about the house and the time restraints I felt I had.
Dark was crying at counseling.
Dark was realizing I hadn't realized as much about myself as I thought I had.
Dark was remembering my Mom and my Andrew's set back.
Dark was feeling trapped even though I am not.
Feeling like I was still a failure, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like what I did was not enough.
Remember:
Others feelings/ reactions/actions are NOT your responsibility
Do at least one thing a day for YOU
Take things one day at a time
Be patient and kind to YOURSELF
You are a Daughter of God of infinite worth.
This IS your JOB for NOW.
Old Habits to Throw Away:
Doing something for your emotional well being is not selfish
If something is not wrong don't feel bad for it.
It's not usually your fault
Reevaluate not internalize
Things I have learned today. Everyday might vary but that is okay. As long as I get my feelings out. As long as I finish this for "work" I accomplished something good today. Today was still over all a good day?
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