The Flight Home
I won't bore you with the details about all the running around that took place the next morning before we went to the airport as well as the running around that took place in the airport. To sum it all up Sister Moraes was leaving before I was, plus I had an international flight so it was just an early morning as well as a long one. My mission president called before I left asking for an email when I arrived home as well as a hello to my parents. The same flight attendant who checked me in also checked my passport to get on the plane. He told me that it was alright. That I would return on my mission. I was hoping that was true. Part of why he was saying this was because I had been crying. I didn't want to leave Brazil, minha companeria (my companion) I didn't want to leave my mission. I didn't want to feel even more like a failure. I didn't want to have to deal with people thinking of all the "bad reasons" I was home from a mission. I was already beating myself up enough without being home that I was thinking I might as well kill myself at home if that's what I was going home to. It might even be worse at home than on my mission because at least people semi understood there. Or at least this was the thought process in my mind.
On the flight to Miami I was by myself still surrounded by people that didn't really speak English. Trying not to cry. Sleeping. Studying my scriptures and my Patriarchal blessing. I had not been released yet so I couldn't watch the in flight movie. I was considering getting off my flight in Miami and getting lost. Then my family wouldn't have to worry about the shame of me coming home. I wouldn't have to deal with it and I could just start a new life. Maybe be homeless. At the time it sounded like a better option. Something that made me smile a little more was this dorky older man who was a flight attendant. He kept trying to make people laugh and would just try to make the flight enjoyable. During one point of the flight he asked what I was doing in Brazil. I told him serving a mission for my church. This started a conversation and I was able to share my testimony with this man as well as just have a normal conversation. He liked that I was actually a person, that I talked honestly and frankly and answered his questions. He kept telling me how much of a remarkable, intelligent young woman I was. He helped me through customs and made sure I got on my next flight back to Boston. He was sweet and to this day I believe he was an answer to a prayer for my safety. He helped me get my mind off everything for the 13 hour flight I had to Miami. We probably talked for at least half of that time. I don't think anyone except Heavenly Father and I will ever understand how much I needed that man named Patrick.
American Soil
It was so surreal being back in Boston. I almost didn't actually believe I was in the airport to be home. I just kept telling myself it was temporary. I was just going to be home like a month or two and then I could go back. I was trying not to ball my eyes out. I saw my parents and I just lost it. My parents probably have never seen my cry so hard or so heart broken. My parents were crying and just telling me that it was going to be okay. I just kept saying over and over again, I don't want to be home. I hope you aren't disappointed. Or other phrases to that effect. After I stopped crying I started telling them about my mission and how much I loved it. We talked about if I wanted to see people and who I wanted to see. We also talked about doctors and medicine as well as church leaders that I might see. When I might go back, that I would go back. When I got home that night all my siblings were asleep and I was okay with that. I got in my bed and just started crying again.
Being Home
When I was first home I didn't want to see anyone except my family and a few close family friends. Part of this was being home from my mission and the other part of this was my depression. I had social anxiety so bad that I would hyperventilate and start crying if my parents asked if I wanted to see people. In the beginning depression, at least for me, made my emotions hard to process. I was constantly overwhelmed and crying. Within a day or so of being home I was released. I cried but I was also given some great counsel about how to deal with being home and how to deal with other people about me being home. For other ERM's out there here are some things that made my transition home easier.
1. Remember that you served. Do not be afraid to say I served a mission. Just like how someone served in the military you came home wounded in a way. Even though everyone around you might not understand this, surround yourself with people that do. You deserve a warm welcome home. Also remember the parable of the laborers that Christ gave. It doesn't matter if you worked 12 hours or just 1. You still receive the same blessings for serving and Heavenly Father DOES NOT think any less of you.
2. Plan for what you are going to tell people the next Sunday you are home.
I had so much anxiety about this but the member of the stake presidency who released me told me to do this. It was so much easier to explain that first Sunday home.m In general it made it easy to explain. My first Sunday back my Branch President told people I was home for a medical reason and that I had been honorably released. That I was welcome back. This took a load off of me and I really appreciated it. Even with all this it was still hard and I was crying the whole time. In fact, despite all of my emotions I got up and bore my testimony about how I still believed the church is true. That was terrifying and up until that point I had been hiding in my dad's arms trying to ignore the people that were staring at me. Afterwards I ran out and I was embraced by friends who said "Welcome Home!", "I have missed you!" or something to that effect. My family ward and YSA ward were great about welcoming me back. My local leaders have also been great about checking up on me and making sure that I am doing alright. This may not be everyone's experience but that was luckily mine. Just a tip for those of you having a early returned missionary come home whether family or friend, welcome them home! Tell them you are glad to see them. DO NOT ask them when they are going back. DO NOT tell them oh you will serve again. Give them a hug if they like hugs. That being said,
3. Try to not be offended by all the unknowingly awkward questions people ask. I can't remember all the awkward questions that people asked with me being home but, early returned missionaries, try to not be offended. I am usually a very even tempered, patient, not easily offended type of person. Guess what? I got offended. I tried to not be offended and realize that sometimes people don't know that the questions they are asking could be offensive. So, when this happens, take a deep breath, count to 10 and try to figure out an appropriate, kind response.
4. DO NOT stop the habits of reading your scriptures and saying your prayers. Attend the temple regularly. No, seriously, go do it. You just came from a spiritually charged environment and if you just kind of give up on those habits it can harm you spiritually. This is speaking from experience. When your depressed, it is hard to feel the spirit. It is hard to force yourself to go to church, plus add having to face people being a ERM and sometimes you just want to go home. In fact, after sacrament meeting my first Sunday back I went home and slept. Do that if you really need to but try to spiritually feed yourself in other ways. Force yourself to do the primary answers because they work and they will help you stay closer to Heavenly Father. They will also give you the extra spiritual strength you need to sort out all your emotions.
5.Give yourself A LOT of time (weeks, months, however long YOU need), sort out your emotions, and then pray about going back or staying home. I was not great about giving myself time. It only made it harder in so many ways. Even now I am still dealing with being an ERM. It is still hard when someone gives a coming home talk. It is hard to tell people I went on a mission and then tell them I am 19. Then I have to explain. It does get easier to tell people but dealing with feeling like a failure and many other emotions takes time. Talk to people you trust. Talk to your Heavenly Father. Wait to ask about going back until you have everything sorted through.
Here is also a great article about what you can do for any early returned missionaries that you know. For early return missionaries it is just a great read to help you.
When a Missionary Returns Early
Life After the Mission
What is life like now? I am currently doing better with my depression. It took so much longer than I wanted or thought it would take. I always have to be aware of stresses in my life and possibly relapsing back but I know I am stronger now because of dealing with it. I am trying to go to the Boston Temple as often as I can and I am currently a Gospel Principles teacher for my YSA branch. I had my ups and downs with the Gospel as everyone does. Sometimes it can be greater it seems like as ERM, but push through it and repent when you need to. It is worth it. I am working at Walmart and I am looking forward to going to school in the fall at BYU-I. I got my answer that I was needed at home, that I to needed stay home. Now I know why for more reason than one. I won't say that it isn't still hard, that there aren't days where I miss my mission or get nostalgic for it. I just try to remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. That he loves me even if I didn't serve what people consider a "full time mission". That I am not a failure. The church is true. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. That the Book of Mormon is true. I know that families can be together forever. I know the Atonement is real. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My name is Rebecca Thacker and I am and early returned missionary. This is my story.
If you are a returned missionary and are still struggling with being home here are some articles that helped me. Also talk to your priesthood leaders and others at church, family members and friends you trust. They can help you with inspiration from our Heavenly Father.
8 Powerful Reminders for Missionaries Who Come Home Early
Like a Broken Vessel (This is more for missionaries dealing with depression and emotional issues)
Early Return Missionary Blog
Want to contact me? Need someone to talk to? Want some more helps I have? Contact me here:
Email: rthacker94@gmail.com
Facebook: Rebecca Thacker
Ashley, Amy and I on a family trip
A little while after I came home
Wise beyond your years. I am ever blessed to know you and to serve with you. Thank you. Elder Conlee
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